Thank you Rocky

We have for about a week been driving Rene our Rx4 around wondering why we can smell germoline.

Our trusty Renault has transformed in the few months since we took ownership of him from the pristine concourse vehicle with shiny bits and plush leather seats into something that resembles a crash between a rubbish skip and a compost heap. Whereas Rene's previous owner spent his weekends polishing paintwork, hoovering the interior and giving the upholstery nourishing polishes, we spend our time ferrying animals, animal feed, animal bedding and all the accoutrement's essential to the health and welfare of our charges. As I type Rene is sat in the yard waiting for me to unload the four sacks of pig nuts, two sacks of horse feed, two sacks of rolled oats and a bale of wood shavings for William's bed. It was only due to the fact that they misunderstood our order at the farm supply shop that Rene's suspension was saved from further abuse as six bags of dog food were missing. I haven't unloaded Rene as it is raining, for a change.

So we are used to Rene looking less than showroom. We are used to wiping the seats clean of mud after an enthusiastic dog has jumped in when we open the door, in fact that was why we chose Rene with his leather and therefore wipe clean seats. We are used to the foot wells being lined with straw or hay, used to the clink of jam jars donated by our friends rolling around the back seats, used to strange handling characteristics as it barrels around corners overloaded with animal supplies and very used to strange smells emanating from a variety of sources.

Most noticeably was the aroma of onions caused by our dog Rocky developing a taste for onion as he was travelling in the back where he discovered a nice bag containing our onion sets. After chomping through several dozen he hid the rest in cracks and crevices that are a feature of the RX4's interior design thus allowing them to rot in peace. Once that aroma dissipated it was replaced by a nice smell, initially, of bananas. This welcoming smell soon deteriorated which prompted a search which uncovered two bananas I had forgotten I had concealed in a secret compartment under the rear seat.

We had a few days without any real olfactory problems but the last week we have detected a medical type whiff which has grown stronger and named two days ago as germoline. Thinking it was a final assault from the rotting bananas we tried to ignore it.

Today I can reveal what the cause of the smell was. Rocky, bless him, had found the bottle containing the potion to be used as a lubricating gel for when we, I say we, I obviously mean Tracey, clean William's todger of smegma. He had accidentally opened it and it had soaked into his cushion and the vinyl cover in the back. Tracey had been looking for this potion so we could tackle our horses tackle earlier in the week unable to find it the job was put off for a few days.

Rocky might have wasted £5.99 by knocking the top off but he had temporarily saved me from a grisly task and consequent nightmares.

One more reason why I love Bernese Mountain Dogs!