Rained off!

It was a really sad moment today when I had to concede defeat, the weather was so appallingly wet that any thought of the joys of fencing was banished and instead I had to suffer a trip to the supermarket to buy special treats, a visit to friends to finish their Christmas cake (mind you I had to help move a three ton metal fire laughingly described as a small gas fire, took two of us 20 minutes to get it up one level and 30 yards, bad back anyone?) and then had to endure watching England smash Ireland around the park in the 6 nations while eating previously bought special treats. Not the greatest match ever but its the first match I have been able to watch this tournament, its the first win in Ireland for England in 10 years and a wins a win no matter how messy. They also played in weather that I deemed to be unfencable in. Time not spent so productively was spent hanging out with the pigs, TweedleDee and TweedleDum have to be the fattest piglets ever. They also win the cute prize. Meanwhile 180 pounds of their relatives await bagging up and freezing. That's another rainy day job for tomorrow!

Can you fix it?

 Never having diffused a bomb I can only speculate what it actually feels like, but I did get an inkling into the test of nerves required today when I set about our central heating control panel with assorted weaponry. On showing the part time volunteer smallholders how the the arcane central heating worked I confidently flicked the switch with a cheery "This one turns it on" when it went bang. The enquiry "Does it always do that?" was, I felt, somewhat redundant, as my five metre leap backward was a sure indicator that the flash and BANG was at least unusual if not unique. So we left our volunteers to four days without heating as well as no telly.

 Today I was tasked to change the control panel melted to the wall, and as an electricians famous last words were nearly "Don't worry I can honestly say I have never had an electric shockOUCH!" while sticking a screwdriver into the dubious wiring that hides behind our walls it was with a certain degree of trepidation that I, being a non electrician type, stuck his newly acquired screwdriver into the heart of the defunct panel. The fact that it didn't go bang has more to do with luck than judgement but I did take the precaution of removing HQ from the national grid, wearing rubber gloves, rubber soled boots while standing on a rubber mat. NO chances here.
My beautiful and oh so patient wife did raise the pulse rate by asking why the cooker was still on as I gripped the live wire (it wasnt live when  gripped it) but resisted the temptation the shout  BANG as I removed red wire 1 to connect with red wire 2. Instead she kept the torch steady so I could see what I was doing, have I mentioned that this was being done in the dark? Just to make it even more fun?

 The reason for the lateness of the task was this lovely girl got taken to a new home today, MBAOSPW's brother has decided to try life with a dog, and having just got a new house thought why not fill it with a donkey sized mutt. As can be seen from the pictures first introductions went well, she liked her sofa, helped little t open the biscuit tin and then laid claim to the rug. Well we don't have them at HQ so this must seem like luxury.
Several tense minutes of wire disconnecting and reconnecting, followed by an hour or so of trying to solve the press to set time/day/date time on off hot water or central heating only conundrum passed without injury and need to call the fire brigade. 

Back to life

 It struck me on Tuesday that those that follow regularly, or perhaps even those who dip in now and then might have wondered what happened, why were we maintaining prolonged Internet silence, especially after the last two posts seemed doom and gloom, illness, road rage and me doing a pssable impression of Victor Meldrew. Back at the ranch today we find several emails and phone messages asking if we are ok. Yes we are and sorry if going off grid so suddenly worried anyone but we went on holiday to the forest. 
This was the view from our front door when we woke up latish Tuesday, somewhere in this woodland are some 3000 other holiday makers, we didnt see many.  The trip across country to Robin Hood's favourite forest passed without incident once we had sorted the critters out at HQ, loaded up pigs x2 some for sausage and some going to another farm. The actual holiday had been planned for while, getting there turned out to be the last minute rush around that is the norm, but finally midday Monday dogs had tin openers and enough supplies to last, horses were behind fences they couldn't jump, pigs were down to three happy pigs (as opposed to over 50 or thereabouts around this time last year) goats had new beds, in fact every living creature here had new beds, lots of food and four volunteers keen to run the ranch while we were away.

 Their stay at HQ was made interesting by having a goat in the kitchen with a bladder like a spacemans helmet and no TV remote control as little t had "helped" us pack and considered the TV remote an essential piece of kit that he could not leave home without. This did prompt the techy type part time smallholder to assemble our new surround sound DVD system for us while not following the goat with a mops and bucket. I say new, it was over two Christmas's ago, new then, and since having got it it has stayed in the unopened box in the spare bedroom due to A)no time to watch films and B)laziness. Back in the forest we had plenty of time for long walks,

 some walked more than others, I must admit to having slept most of the first day but woke in time for meals. I did get motivated Wednesday and took part in a mental training session on exercise bikes in the gym(mental as in mad not mental as in sit and think about doing it). I have been known to push myself training at home and get up to 163 bpm so was quite impressed to have averaged a 141 bpm in the 50 minute workout and peaking at 183. Don't think there can be too much wrong with my vital organ if it can pump 3x a second without me clutching my chest.

Little t also took part in competitive activities, such as who could make the most noise the longest in any restaurant (he won) and he was reacquainted with the notion in the swimming pool that breathing under water was not possible (pictures later when we get them) In all it was a fab break and many thanks to those who organised it and us so that we could get away. We got back late this afternoon to a clean tidy house, all the critters where we left them, fed and watered, goat still in the kitchen, Ripley bigger, even the 22 year old beagle Preston is still breathing. Our volunteer smallholders ever said they would do it again on the proviso no goat and the TV remote was left behind. Tomorrow will be back to normal, animal chaos and fun in the mud. Fences are still being constructed, the makeover continues and while it was good to get away its great to be back! Even with the mud.

Hoping for a better one

 Today was going to be massive by way of huge number of jobs done. The sun shone, the rain had almost drained away and early doors saw a horse puzzle waiting to be solved on the door step. Misty and Chester, eager to be first in the breakfast queue had formed and orderly line, but Chester took a few paces forward and turned left.
And stood.
Wall behind and to his front and left, angry shitland to his right his tiny brain fizzed and collapsed on itself and so he stood waiting to be rescued. As an apprentice horse botherer this was beyond me and anyway I was too busy trying to stop Berners joining the mix so my beautiful and oh so patient wife sorted us all out and the morning progressed as planned.
Right up until little t shouted yum yum and showed me a metal staple in his mouth. Despite my best effort of jabbing a finger into his orifice, then holding him upside down over a magnet the metal disappeared. A forensic search of his mouth, clothing and floor surrounding led to a conclusion that he might have swallowed it. Had it been a button or similar I would have favoured the wait and see what happens approach, as it was sharp and he wasn't puncture proof I opted for phoning the doc to be told what I knew, take him to A and E and get him x rayed.
Thus began a whole new adventure. The small market town where we almost live is lucky to have a garage considering its a one horse kind of place. That garage had run out of diesel, this I knew as I had tried to get some the night before and found all 6 pumps closed. I could have done the whole weekly shop, bought enough alcohol to kill an army, enough gas to run a dozen barbeque's and a whole host of other useful items but no go juice for Miranda.
So problem one to solve was to coax a 4x4 with 5 miles worth of fuel to another garage 8 miles away. Probably as a result of the super cautious driving this entailed we all survived what would have been a serious crash when a tractor we were following swerved onto the right hand side of the road as a preparation for a fantastic sharp left turn across our path. Once tyres had cooled down and the smoke cleared being told to get an effing move on my the fat youth in a lumber jacket was the final straw and after brief conversation which ended with him sincerely apologising we resumed our quest for fuel. Filled to the brim just in case of world shortage we made it to A and E where we sat with assorted sports injuries, the compulsory child with saucepan stuck on his head and sobering up drunks who on waking had found they had broken a limb falling the night before, the signs were it was going to be a long wait. Two hours later little t was happily entertaining all and sundry by shouting "Oh no! Phone! Where is it!" every time the phone rang, which in an A and E department is quite regularly.
Finally we went through to x-ray.

Now point any sort of camera at him and he does the above, in fact he has been known to photobomb, that is also the above, jumping in the way of whatever subject you are taking and making sure you are in fact the subject. The radiographer was a very enthusiastic young lady who was happy to have a very inquisitive 23 month old press all the buttons on the machine while I donned a lead lined suit. All he had to do was sit still with his back to the wall and say cheese. 30 minutes later with two radiographers on the point on  tears he finally acquiesced and sat still long enough for one snap which revealed he had a full set of bones and was metal free. Relieved we headed back to the ranch only to be caught up in some road race with two idiots in hatchbacks trying to be first to the pearly gates and eager to take as many with them. So bad was their driving I called in at the local police station which was apparently unmanned, but as I told the intercom called Helen, there is a police car outside and lights on so I assume the building was occupied. Still the friendly intercom took all the details and by the time we got home the police who were not there phoned to say thanks for the info.
Tomorrow will go as planned. I hope.

Keep taking the tablets.

We are almost there, the signs are good and Red Kite is ready for its next successful flight.

Now I never want to know what a heart attack feels like, and having cycled 30 miles in 82 mins 22 seconds I was pretty sure my heart was in good shape, especially as I went for a walk straight after. But late that night something strange happened, not pain, just a feeling, like being stood at the top of the tallest diving board. Not breathless but unable to breathe, not pain just uncomfortable. Heart rate was regular, but it felt like it was missing a beat. Or two.
Heart monitor on for the next 18 hours showed an average of 62bpm, resting rate of 52, but that feeling would not go away. So off I trot to the docs, for once he just shook my hand, and we chatted about that feeling. Wired into the matrix by a nice nurse who described in graphic detail how a heart attack would occur if I lay on my left side (crushes your heart as you sleep!) we looked at my ECG.
Normal.
Super normal.
Lynford Christie normal.
 Time honoured medical advice of take two of these twice a day and wait and see.
 I was also given a pump spray in case my heart stopped, apparently a quick squirt, like WD40, got things moving.
And as per usual I ignored docs advice, did not take the medicine and got a lot worse.
 Back at docs two weeks later, hows it going, not good doc, the feeling, yes its changed to all the time, hows the meds working, errrr, chastised by frowning medic for not following medication, plugged back into matrix ECG super normal but still no medical explanation for the pre dive feeling.
 After being suitably told off by angry medic I went on my merry way and took the pills and put up with the side effects. Massive headache anyone?
Back to docs two weeks later, how you feeling, great, really, no, are you taking the pills, yes, really?, yes honest doc I am I got the headache and everything, good and whats happened, well its changed from all the time to about three times a day and its stopping me in my tracks, really? No I'm still cycling and the rest but feel like I got what John Hurt had.
The docs switched on, he got the Alien chest burster reference without google.
Heart results perfect, liver and kidneys fine, bloods fine, cholesterol fine.
 But that feeling.
Keep taking the tablets.
We shall see.

Can you tell what it is yet?

 Little t has developed a taste for painting objects other than himself and is currently turning out works of art.

Mr Frosty isn't talking to us as he was taken to the V E T where he was topped and tailed, that is his horns were debudded and his family jewels errrr debudded. He is uttering a mew every now and then several octaves higher than before. He now has options, Mr Whirlpool or pet, its down to him and how fast he learns not to pee on everything that moves, doesn't move or hasn't been peed on already.

Post haste

 Things didn't go quite as planned today (for a change) (mind you the week off work isn't going as planned either) in the few hours I wasn't at work. Signs were ominous when the farm supply bods only had 10 wooden rails when yours truly wanted closer to 100. So thoughts of extending the fenced off areas at HQ fell at the first hurdle so instead I embarked on a few hours clear up shifting the old fence posts down the bonsai mountain. Thanks to impeccable timing (aka luck) I picked the two hours of clear sky and sunshine to run (ahem) up and down the slippery slope to retrieve some of the 200 old fence posts dumped at various points on our plot of green.

 Its taking some getting used to, gates that work, hang straight and keep animals the right side of them

and the Berners are having trouble getting used to finding dog proof barriers where they were used to holes.
Eva produced a new trick to get out being milked tonight, the dogs get all the milk at the moment as its a bit unhygienic nay unpalatable after she has put at least one hoof in the bucket, farted over it, sat in it, forward rolled to get away and tonight she reached underneath her and began to drink the milk in the bucket. Perseverance is the key, one of us will give up one day.

Dust Magnets

Not that we have a mantle piece any more but when we did the most expensive thing you might find trapping dust would be half a melted candle, or the contents of my pocket, change left from lunch.  On a visit today I saw this work of art carved from a 1000 year old piece of oak from a local castle, its one solid piece and the figures range from John the Baptist, the Queen, Posh and Becks, a Chav and the artist who made the piece who I think was called Parsons. Nice as it was it wouldn't last at HQ, not as it is, a few tooth marks would be bound to appear. I'm hoping to take some time off work tomorrow to do a bit of woodworking myself but I got a feeling its not going to be quite so intricate as this wooden wonder.