The great outdoors

Tempting isn't it! Not long now until Kobe and Hetty are turned out. Kobe is growing fast and is a friendly chap, just as well considering he is going to be a monster sized dexter.

Guinevere is building a nest in the newly vacated farrowing pen, Morgana is enjoying herself in the new accommodation built this weekend. Piggle is face down in the straw trying not to give birth. I have a feeling its not going to be too long before we have two new litters. Sales are going well, two of Iggles piglets are off to a new home in a few weeks, half of Morgana's litter are signed up for pig club, and today I was talking to a soon to be top chef who is keen on extending the menu with a little help from the rest.

Roll call

The pocket rocket kept us entertained while we did the rounds this morning, as did the weather. While we had clear skys, then a few showers and 12 degrees, parts of Scotland had 10 inches of snow and closer to home I was chairing a meeting several valleys over and there was a minor panic as reports were coming in that it was snowing in the next valley. Whether or not this prompted panic buying of essentials several garages I went past today had no fuel. I blame the government!

Final call for Pig Club, after much delay its starting proper this Easter Sunday, we still have a couple of piglets, Berkalitza's that you can sponsor and then eat. You do have to be close enough to get the finished sausages and the like. Details of pig club can be found on the main website http://www.talesfromtherock.com/

Like clockwork

Every now and then, when the planets are in alignment, the four horsemen of the apocalypse are otherwise engaged and the small gods of smallholding are looking the other way, you get a really good day. A day that lifts your heart, makes you think that actually all this effort is worthwhile and that for once being coated in the doings of several species is justified. Yes I am talking about day planned and day actual being one and the same. A day that was planned with military precision, the success of which relied on timing, a day that went like clockwork.

The bar was perhaps set too high, but we had no choice. We could borrow a small stock trailer, Wednesday only, morning only, a small stock trailer needed for two jobs, job one, collect a goat that I had for some insane reason felt compelled to buy(never say never) and a goat which I was assured would provide us with milk and curry. Milk to the sum of 7 pints a day, and curry in six months as the male kid given to sweeten the deal would be the main ingredient of several, and he would with a bit of effort make a fetching rug.

However moving goats on the the smallholding would mean that Guinevere and Morgana Berkshire sows would not be able to go to see the boar for a long time as we would be on shutdown, no stock movement off site. As small trailer would also transport pigs it was a simple matter of collecting trailer from different countrymove job one collect goat to job two so new job one became persuade the right two sows to leave the pig pen (which contains 9 pigs of different sizes and breed, all untrained) and get in a trailer for the first time ever in their lives (they got here on the back seat of Hazel the almost 4x4, don't ever buy a car off us) take them to the land of the Stable Sprite, unload, drive across the county to collect goat and kid, return, unload new critters and get to work on time. Simple. What could possibly go wrong?

For once absolutely nothing. Morgana led the way, Guinevere followed albeit through a different gate but both took to the trailer like fish to bicycles. Locked and loaded we went to the magic kingdom of Stable Sprite which to some looks like a barren wasteland but is actually work in progress, he was eventually coaxed out of hiding and took charge of the sows. His boar then tried to take charge of the sows but they took to charging off, but they will all get together in the end. Pig club needs the recruits! (Pig club news sheet will be sent this weekend honest!)

We made it to the car park of The Little Chef some miles away in time to collect our new Anglo Nubian, Kayleigh (yes another Marillion fan in goat form) and her son Kurry (uncanny!)

Safely aboard we got back to HQ and unloaded our precious charges into the stable, I got changed from smallholder to social worker and made it to the Red Kite office at the allotted time. Just in time for tea and biscuits. Hurrah!

Later, much later, after milking Kayliegh and fattening up Kurry with a bottle of her milk I made a statement that I knew the small gods of smallholding could not ignore.

I simply said, "You know (this was a comment to the world in general as my beautiful and oh so patient wife was beyond listening to me having a highly entertaining goatling to play with, yes I know she shouldn't play with her food)

You know (I repeated it in case she had forgotten what I was about to say on account of brackets)

You Know (for emphasis) either we are getting better at this smallholding lark or we were incredibly lucky today"

The world held it breath and waited for the definitive answer.

There was a loud whinney and crash.

Trevor kicked in Hazels door.

We were lucky.

Pig Club

Pig club will be starting again next year so lovers of all pork based products can get their fix of ethically raised pigs who are pampered and then converted into pig roasts and sausage. Details of how to join this and become a virtual farmer will be revealed 1.1.12 when another exciting development at Rock HQ will be revealed. You can also click on the link below and see other pig club recruits going through their basic training.

Meanwhile there was something else..........

Coals to Newcastle

The last of the bacon was sorted out today, somehow since the start of November when we turned one of the boars into bacon, all except two back legs and a middle back piece has vanished into thin air.
Admittedly we did have a couple of accidents and the front picnic hams spoiled but the rest has either been eaten in sarnies or given away. Mostly sarnies. Big sarnies. Several times a day.

As the 50/50 bacon slicer is stored over at Stable Sprites domain I took the legs that I had boned and the pack of back to his kitchen where they were expertly sliced into the best looking gammons and some first class rashers. He was on the point of running out of feed so in exchange for a humungous breakfast of sausage bacon egg and beans I gave him enough to tide him over until he fetches a ton in the morning.

While I sliced he cooked and we spoke about the horror story of the Happy Pig Company. A truly miserable tale of how two people decided to keep pigs, didn't look after them, some died, the others starved, the pigs resorted to cannibalism of the bodies until a neighbour alerted the RSPCA. The poor survivors were in such poor condition that three had to be put out of their misery on site. The excuse, the pig keepers were ill. These two frequented the farmers markets selling their rare breeds pork at premium prices, under an organic banner, telling the customers who were happily spending £35 for a few chops that the pigs were fed fresh food in a field with sea breezes. The picture in the newspaper of the poor dead pig in a wheelbarrow in a sea of excrement and mud tells a different tale. Apparently the two pig keepers intend to start again once the dead ones have been removed and the RSPCA have finished their investigation. A quote from one of the chaps concerned, "Even the dead ones were happy pigs until they died" would indicate a complete lack of regard for the poor unhappy creatures they "cared" for. (The story is on line in the Daily Mail under Unhappy Pig Company)

The reason our pork and bacon tastes so good is that the pigs have had a genuinely happy time here, playing chase with the dogs, rummaging around the garden, looking for tasty treats hidden around the pig pen. Bronwyn became a firm favourite of visitors as she was the most persistent of escapees, so much so it became a waste of time putting her back so she had free run of the smallholding until it was time for her to meet her destiny, providing Pig Club with pork and sausage. Thank you Bronwyn. You were a good pig, and made excellent meat.

Remember, you get what you pay for, sausages that are 46% mechanically reclaimed "meat", most of which are from chicken carcasses are not real food.

If you want real food join Pig Club.

In through the out door

Pigs are very intelligent creatures, for instance they learned not to bite me again after my reaction when they took a test bite. The daily barricade is more than a bit of a nuisance and so I have taken to climbing the fence and going in through the out door, their exit from the sty to the pen. This opening has got considerably smaller since the pigs arrival, and no dear reader its not another case of me gaining pounds and blaming shrinking clothes, the "doorway" is genuinely smaller as they have moved so much of the hill downhill, piling dirt and rocks against the frail structure we laughingly refer to as "the barn" which, as I recall, the estate agent referred to as a "useful space in need of some renovation".

Somehow this useful space has survived my DIY and three previous sets of piglets who have all made their own personal alterations as well as having shifted tons of dirt and piled it up against the sides of the "barn" reducing the opening from a four foot high two foot six wide portal to a minute opening fit for one pig. This is a very handy shack, it stored 100 bales of last years hay and it also served as a temporary stable for William until the Stable Sprite weaved his magic and produced the des rez he now occupies. It needs preserving, TLC even.

I think the piglets may have grand designs of their own on future housing having seen the results of their snout work today. Piling up the dirt has allowed them access to the back of the chicken shack, an equally robust building held together by years and years of paint. The temptation to remove parts of the roof served too much and this allowed access to the old dry stone wall that forms part of the old farm sty. This is currently being dismantled, just because they can. Once through that they will be able to catch a bus, go to the shops and do whatever piggies on the run do. Meanwhile I, being marginally more intelligent than a piglet, am copying the tactics of the medieval siege engineers and piling up stones the other side of the attempted breach. Whether this tactic works and will hold until November when the piggies get a one way ticket to the local abattoir remains to be seen.

Pig Club newsletter is ready for distribution once the gremlin in charge of pasting the pictures to the paper has been tamed. Meanwhile enjoy the video and the prospect of some very tasty pork and bacon.

As long as the defences hold!

Tough Day

I had planned to get some more miles under my belt today ready for next weeks Big Black Mountain Challenge, 44k across, well, the Black Mountains. This is just a stroll compared to the 178 miles in June, the great To Do, or The Offas Dyke ordeal, and I should have trained for it today especially after eating a fantastic meal last night at our local, The Harp Inn, Old Radnor http://www.harpinnradnor.co.uk/.

Here we were treated once again to an outstanding meal, Dave cooks the best steak ever, they just cannot be beaten and if you finish your meal off with some of Jenny's chocolate fudge brownies it would suffice as the last meal for a condemned man, unbeatable. Then there is the beer, and so you can see why I should have got up on the hills today.

Instead, well I boosted the defences on Goatanamo, the adults are now contained but somehow the kids still find a way out. The smallholders rule where an animal can get through a hole exactly half its body size does not apply to them, they can get through the tiniest breech in the defences and then rampage around the garden sampling everything they shouldn't.

I showed a member of pig club around Rock HQ, they met all the crew but the pigs were top of their wish to meet list and then sampled some of the finest pork ever served in a roll with apple sauce. This had to be washed down with more beer, well the sun was shining so its rude not to and one of the pups decided I needed a hand, see above. But the rolls and beers were more reasons why I should have trained today.

I did manage a bit of gardening, but as that involved collecting tomato plants grown for me by a local expert it hardly counts. He did tell a few of his secrets which I hope will boost the produce from the greenhouses this year which has so far been disappointing unless you count monster slugs, plenty of those.

A friend gave us a load of Prostate Cancer promotional items today so I set about the task of raising more sponsorship money. The plan to sell the miles, all 178 of them has been well received by people I have spoken to about it, you buy a mile for £10, when your mile is walked you get a thank you text and your mile and name listed on this site the day its walked. As I was responding to an e mail from Channel 4 responding to their plan to make me the new Jimmy of Jimmy's farm fame I decided the day was over so rather than exercise I sent dozens of e mithers about The Great To Do, and hopefully I will sell all 178 before we set off on the 7-6-09.

JJ bought two miles and said he would pay £15 per mile if I ran them, obviously a sadistic streak mixed in with his generosity but it will be done.

Proper training starts tomorrow when the beer runs out.

Pig Club

The first of the news sheets have gone out to the members of Pig Club, or Grunts as we call them at Rock HQ. There are four memberships, two of which are syndicates and there are two more potential Grunts who are thinking about joining.

Membership starts in April and once the Grunts applications are processed they will get two nice pork chops as an introduction to the taste of things to come. I have included a very handy chart so Grunts can see where their meat comes from. The chops come from the middle at the top, or section F to be precise and you can have it cut into tasty chops or left whole as a roast. The syndicates will have to share their free chops but it will be the best morsel of pork ever.

Pig Club Auditions!

Hopeful contenders of Pig Club begin their auditions!