Do you want ice with that?

The forecast was grim but the snow failed to arrive. Instead we had freezing rain which coated everything in 5mm of ice with hilarious results. Vic and I had to leave HQ and head off across several valleys as Red Kite continues its bid for global domination. A cattle lorry using our side of the road raised my pulse rate but Vic calmly managed to avoid disaster. On our trip we saw four large holes in four different hedges/fences marked with Police line do not cross tape where others had come a cropper on the treacherous road surface. Two telegraph poles also lay broken at odd angles showing signs of impacts. A road we would have taken had we gone anti clockwise around the mountains was closed after a fatal accident. I listened to the traffic news and thanked the small god of car journeys that it was not us that hit the lorry and spoiled the day.

Time is precious so Vic and I adopted the better late than never approach to ice driving, much to the annoyance of a teenager in a red VW(obviously, red ones go faster) who clearly had much better brakes and knowledge of the road plus an amazing ability to see though the fog than Vic or I. After following us closly down a twisty section of mountain (sudden death to your left) his sixth sense told him the way was clear so the last Vic and I saw of him was his exhaust and two fingers. I hope he got to where he wanted to be safely, and that he did not hurt himself or anyone else in his haste. I also sincerely hope that the fifth hole in the hedge on the way home wasn't made by a red VW. Honest.

Piggy in the middle

The boys were making the most of the new hayledge, evenly spaced out, but look closely and you will see Thor the Bernese Mountain Pig tucking in. Watching from the heights is Hetty, climbing is part of her keep fit regime, it also means she avoids the concrete. You might also spot the well hung gate.

While you were out

I've often wondered what it must be like to have one of these makeover programs descend and rearrange key features of your house. The hassle of a major DIY gone in an instant. The plan to get little t's room sorted last weekend delayed by my having to replace a vandalised toilet was further delayed by a massive sense of humour failure after I found the idiot proof flooring was not going down as planned. As almost every home I go to has this type of flooring seamlessly laid I was perplexed at my ineptitude. The painting had gone well, record time, in between two six nations matches, fantastic. The floor was another matter.

Stable Sprite, the genius with wood, loather of laminate flooring came over to view my attempt and to offer words of advice other than burn it. Had I read the instructions? he enquired. Well not wanting to break the habit of a lifetime, no, not exactly. My desk is liberally coated with instruction books and leaflets waiting my perusal. I am an experiential learner. I shook my head. Stable Sprite muttered an incantation that included a word that suspiciously sounded like Dickhead as he prodded the panels already laid on the floor. The cause of the failure to lay the floor properly was due to my interpreting the lay, click and lock as lie on floor next to each other. This explained the extraordinary movement and irregular spacing achieved.

Stable Sprite looked at the assorted doorways, pipework and other fiddly bits. He then looked at my toothless hacksaw, bent pliers and hand axe. Do you want me to do it for you?

And so it was that Stable Sprite came to Rock HQ while I was out righting wrongs, and manfully wrestled the flooring into place. And this is how I found it. Perfect. Thank you Stable Sprite.

280 days

We had a visit from our favourite vet today, amongst other things he enquired about our wayward heifer Hetty who disgraced herself with a local lad. As he is much bigger than her there was much discussion over whether or not to let her go full term. Current expert advice is to keep her as active as possible, well as she is still able to jump fences and run up a 1 in 4 slope I think she is about as active as a cow can be, not to feed her concentrates, we dont, she has a concentrate free diet of hayledge, mountain grass and an occasional apple (we all need treats) and on day 275 watch her like a hawk. She might be early. She might go late. 280 days is the gestation time, that means the 28 March is going to be quite interesting.

Heads down!

Rocky, Spotty and Montana grabbing a drink from the spring on todays jaunt around the Bonsai Mountain. Training for BBMC 2012 has started.

Feeling flush

The snow turned to ice so the yard entertainment or a death trap depending on whether you were the one falling over or watching. The most important job of the day was to right the wrongs of yesterdays DIY which was why I was found baffled in B and Q looking at toilets that came in all shapes, colours and sizes, had heated seats, piped music, padding (God forbid) for sensitive behinds, novelty flushers and none of which remotely resembled the pre 1900 Armitage Shanks original Old Thunderer Dirtbox currently leaking on our bathroom floor. I finally settled for one that was the right colour, white, and marked "reduced" which meant it had to be alright as it was a bargain. The reason it was reduced was that several key components were missing. Thankfully I was rescued from my torment when faced with racks of plumbing accessories by a very helpful man called Dave (he should have been called Steve but like he said he was from a different valley) who found a bendy connector thingy, an all new innards for the second toilet in the cottage (why repair one when you can repair two) and several shiny bits of metal that he was sure I would find a use for.

Back at the ranch the second toilet was repaired in a matter of minutes by the fitting of a new flush mechanism, several million gallons of water falling out of it didn't matter as this specimen is in a "wet room". It also provided essential research for the real thing upstairs. Thus, now thoroughly acquainted with the anatomy of a toilet I set about the wounded beast upstairs and this time without a hammer. All went well, as in, we now have a new toilet, it works, significantly it doesn't leak, it flushes when prompted, in all it does exactly what you would want a toilet to do. This was achieved despite the instruction book containing a vast array of instructions and diagrams all of which were not for this model. As per usual the smallholder rule of one job finished creates two more applies. The Old Thunderer Dirtbox model was a bit bigger than the new sleek modern version which would, if it could, fit flush to the wall. This it cannot do as the waste pipe is a foot from the wall and runs down through the cottage, even the flexi soil pipe cannot contort into the shape required to get it closer to the wall, so toilet is freestanding, proud, like an exhibit in the bathroom which means there is a huge patch on the wall where the cistern hung that now needs decorating. I do have a plan to "box" the back of the new combi toilet cistern off, making it appear like its all attached to the wall rather than sitting in the middle of the room, but that will have to wait until the apprentice smallholders room is finished.

The floor of his bedroom was attempted today, having opted for a glueless almost like wood floor system it seems that the bits will only hold together with the optional application of glue, will only lie flat if there is a less than 2mm variance in surface level (in an old cottage, yeah right) so the door was shut as the task got to the halfway point and a rethink is underway. So in relation to DIY tasks 2 completed out of three ain't bad and nothing else broke and no one got hurt.

The Apprentice

Our apprentice smallholder, little t, having a snack

DIY disaster

There are a few things that I should learn to leave well alone, these include the "simple jobs" associated with DIY. The day started reasonable enough, a minor disappointment at the local farmers superstore where I found they were not giving away bacon sarnies as I hoped, but I did get a good deal on dog food (didnt taste the same and not recommended for breakfast). Ferny Fern Fern from Ferntown had a minor inconvenience which required the bolt cutters to get her free. Will she have learned from the experience? Time will tell.

As the weather forecast was as accurate as Ambrose's headbutts we were well prepared for the snow that fell at midday. This arrival of the white stuff coincided with our plan to spend the weekend on DIY projects in the cottage so being housebound was not a worry.

So soon we had he who cannot be named's room emptied and prepped like a blank canvas for us to create a lovely kiddies room for lil t the apprentice smallholder. Why I chose the weekend the 6 nations started is a masterpiece of bad planning so while all the rugby was on the box I was wielding a paint brush and turning pale magnolia into sky and rolling hills ready for jungle animals and other such child friendly murals to keep him occupied.

I left my beautiful and oh so patient wife applying the finishing touches to the newly decorated room and instead of sneaking off and watching England thrash Scotland decided that I would spend my time wisely and change the toilet seat. This is a job I have been avoiding for ages, even the new toilet seat in its box propped next to the toilet failed to spur me into action. Today was the day, a simple task of undoing two bolts and changing old for new. Simple, what could possibly go wrong.

In fact quite a lot, which was why I had been avoiding the job, that and wanting my moneys worth out of the old seat. Both bolts had corroded on the old seat, but eventually one undid, the other required a hacksaw but was on the point of giving up like its partner, but before it did it had one last trick. I only tapped it ever so gently to encourage it to finally give up the ghost and it did, but the toilet cracked almost in half causing an interesting flood, a plethora of swearwords and most likely means that I will miss all the rugby tomorrow as I will be laying a floor in little ts room in between feeding all the critters and going to B and Q for a new bog.