Feeling a bit down

As yours truly must have missed the call selecting me for the Tour De Yorkshire starting tomorrow I decided to give my new trainers a run out (read stumble forward trying not to look like a fat bloke having a coronary) so full of beans I took the first step forward on the downhill to the gateway to the world stopping almost instantly (imagine a supertanker trying to stop and scale down) due to a massive stabbing pain up my left hamstring. Thinking the worse, ruptured Achilles tendon, I carefully  inspected myself only to find a simple but painful explanation. A large nail through the heel of my new airbaggedfullyshockabsorbedsuperduperspringy trainers. Once it was removed and I stopped the bloodflow I began to stumble forward run except now I was a bit down on the left hand side and every other step resulted in a loud farting sound that definitely wasn't me. I walked home blowing raspberries at sheep.