Tales From The Rock: Whole lotta Rosie!

Thursday 15 November 2012

Whole lotta Rosie!

The world was put back in order today. For about a week I was wondering how the butcher who was reducing pig club pigs into bite sized portions had had such a personality transplant. And here he was in all his baldy testosterone driven goodness yelling at me that "We're shut til two!!" and as I looked at my watch he continued bouncing on the spot pointing with a knife "Yeah that's right mate two!" Whatsyernameanyway!!" I told him four times, each time he didn't hear me as he was yelling "Eh?" Finally above the rabid cacophony he shouted "You don't want me you want Steve anyway" and slammed the door. The man collecting a lamb carcass looked at me and sighed, climbed slowly back into his car and prepared to wait until two. I went round the back in search of Steve.
Strange folk lurk round the back of slaughter houses, and as most are armed its best not to annoy them.
"Im looking for Ste.... "a troll pointed the way with a blood stained blade, I followed, through a door "I'm loo..."
"You want Steve?" barked another troll, confused by the sunlight and the complex task of creating smokeable roll up without too much blood on it, he jerked half a thumb over his shoulder, I squeezed past him to another door, I paused and steadied myself raising my fist to knock. It swung wide and a giant of a man looked down at me rubbing his bristly chin "Hmmmmmmmm. I didn't think I knew you" he said in a not too unfriendly manner (compared to the we shut at two opening gambit) Before I could ask how did he know who I was anyway (best not ask he had a collection of sharp things on his belt and the red stuff from several leaking animals all over him)
"You want your pigs eh?" (again how does he know these things?) and off he went returning carrying four pig jigsaws, two in each hand (have I mentioned he was a giant?)
Miranda suitably weighed down I counted out gold sovereigns into his massive palm and he told me his tale. Steve works at the slaughterhouse, but as a hobby cuts up dead things, so somehow my order for pig club was given to him. That was why when he was off last week no one else cut up my pigs. I was happy, a nice gentle giant who agreed to cut up all the rest of our pigs, he was happy as he had more gold to put at the top of the bean stalk.
Miranda and I drove back, how had this happened, well the answer is simple, shouty man is also called Steve. The paperwork I gave in to the abattoir had Dear Steve at the top, one of the trolls got confused and gave it to nice Steve. Hence nice phone call. And expertly cut up joints bagged ready for action, not like shouty Steve who shoves the pig puzzle all in one big bag.