While you were out

I've often wondered what it must be like to have one of these makeover programs descend and rearrange key features of your house. The hassle of a major DIY gone in an instant. The plan to get little t's room sorted last weekend delayed by my having to replace a vandalised toilet was further delayed by a massive sense of humour failure after I found the idiot proof flooring was not going down as planned. As almost every home I go to has this type of flooring seamlessly laid I was perplexed at my ineptitude. The painting had gone well, record time, in between two six nations matches, fantastic. The floor was another matter.

Stable Sprite, the genius with wood, loather of laminate flooring came over to view my attempt and to offer words of advice other than burn it. Had I read the instructions? he enquired. Well not wanting to break the habit of a lifetime, no, not exactly. My desk is liberally coated with instruction books and leaflets waiting my perusal. I am an experiential learner. I shook my head. Stable Sprite muttered an incantation that included a word that suspiciously sounded like Dickhead as he prodded the panels already laid on the floor. The cause of the failure to lay the floor properly was due to my interpreting the lay, click and lock as lie on floor next to each other. This explained the extraordinary movement and irregular spacing achieved.

Stable Sprite looked at the assorted doorways, pipework and other fiddly bits. He then looked at my toothless hacksaw, bent pliers and hand axe. Do you want me to do it for you?

And so it was that Stable Sprite came to Rock HQ while I was out righting wrongs, and manfully wrestled the flooring into place. And this is how I found it. Perfect. Thank you Stable Sprite.