A winters tale

As usual anything above a millimetre of snow and the whole of the UK grinds to a halt. Without fail Councils run out of grit and lack the gritter spreading lorries to keep the network of roads clear and panic buying clears the shelves of the shops as the frantic population worry that they will starve to death before the weekend thaw.

This is the background to this tale of epic adventure, of heroism, of true grit, a tale that encompasses what it is to be a human being on a mercy mission to help another human being in distress, and to get it all done before his dinner is on the table.

Mad Keith the technohermit has established a base camp half way up the North Face of the Bonsai Mountain and has run out of coal. A rescue bid with Rene loaded with coal failed as the ice sheet turned a three point turn into a rather exciting slide that narrowly missed the drystone wall and ditch. Not wanting to leave the hermit to a cold and miserable death I loaded the sledge with two sacks of coal and with the hopefully famous but not last words "I'm going outside. I may be sometime" I shut the front door on the warm glow of the cottage and set out into the night dragging my load after me.

I took four of the magnificent seven with me primarily for company but also to fight off any Lions we might meet on the way. Initially things went very well as we descended into the ice plateau that was formally our lane, gravity assisted the sledge and it required very little effort other than steering it. Problems started once we began the steep one in four ascent of the North Face leading to the Ghost House and the start of the track up to his cave. It was too heavy to drag with my one arm, my left arm is still full of space age mechanno so I couldn't risk straining it and unraveling all the good work of the surgeon, so I had to break the trip into sections and take it one bag at a time. All the while I pondered the number of beasts we have on the farm that are not quite fit for purpose.

For example we have two Bernese Mountain Dogs who are a breed well used to pulling carts in mountainous terrain or sledges in the snow. But here they watched their brave owner battle against the snow pulling a sledge a la Ranalph Fiennes up a treacherous snow slope. We are also the proud owners of at least one horse suited to the role of pack animal, the power to weight ratio of a shitland pony far exceeds mine but its me pulling the heavy load uphill unassisted while it sleeps in a warm and cosy stable. Even our milk goats don't give milk at the moment. These thoughts kept me occupied as I went back and forth with the sacks of coal, each time gaining some some fifty metres.

Halfway into the trek, disaster struck, the sledge lost a runner and tipped over and a bag slid back down the Bonsai Mountain towards the treacherous ravine we had just negotiated. Rocky stopped it tipping over the edge thus earning a few extra dog biscuits if rations allowed should we make it back. We pressed on, battered but undeterred, firm in our resolve to get the coal to the hermit. A few hundred yards further on the sledge went a lot lighter and I had to double back until I found Rocky standing guard over the dropped bag, from his demeanour he was determined that no Lion would get the coal. At this point the Bonsai Mountain levels out and I could see across the valley to where Steve the electricians house shone like Blackpool illuminations on the opposite side. I pointed my torch into what would be his conservatory giving a signal that would only be understood by little Steve his son, who like me is also a superhero. I waited patiently for the response, nothing came, hmmmm, little Steve was either eating his dinner or being read a bedtime story, we superheros need our sleep. I reloaded the sledge and redoubled my efforts to get to the hermit.

Finally we entered the clearing that "belonged" to the hermit, to say he was grateful would be an understatement. He danced a little jig and clapped his hands together offering to pay me for my hard work, I declined, and not just because I thought he would pay me in rabbit skulls.
He seemed put out, surely there must be something he could do for me, I stepped back just in case he tried any funny business.

There must be something I wanted he continued, I silently prayed he wouldn't offer me a cup of tea.

"I know!" he yelled, I fought the rising panic.

" In the summertime, I know what I can do for you!"

Please God no! I got ready to leap on the sledge and make a fast getaway

" I can give you some rhubarb!" he enthused

I breathed a sigh of relief "That would be great Keith thanks."